There's Something in the Air

http://news.cincinnati.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/AB/20080630/NEWS01/306300024/

What is this stench in the air? River pollutants? Treason? Something isn’t right. A number of important issues arise from this news:

* As if it’s not enough that the Delta Queen is being taken from the river, now the Powers-that-be feel the need to shorten its remaining voyages and play mind games with those wishing to enjoy it one last time.

* The “Coast Guard closure” near Paducah is obviously a front. Who or what is trying to keep people from exploring that river is beyond me but this is obviously a calculated measure to keep the Queen away from Cincinnati. If anything I believe the Coast Guard could prove a valuable ally to our cause before it’s all said and done.

* Chattanooga? Choo-Choo…

* Emergency dredging will stifle the underwater ecosystem downstream. Many fish will flee to the northeast. The feeding environment will become much more competitive and the weakest will perish. The seabeast wets its lips, whiskers dancing excitedly in the foul undertow.

* Without the Queen and other rivertravel, and with increasingly easy feeding opportunities, the gigantic catfish will continue to dominate the nether-regions of the Ohio River basin, and mankind will continue to struggle to locate and ideally study the monster.

* Painful as it may be, we must bond with the legislators and work alongside the politicos to champion an extension of the Delta Queen exemption. The “Safety at Sea Act” is in reality anything but. As long as it is intact the Reign of the Catfish will be perpetuated.

* Who is orchestrating this? And why? What are they trying to cover up? What do they have to hide? Why do they deviously stand before the gates of Exploration, Progress and Adventure?

* With each barrier our cause is further justified.

Peacock Soup

The flooding of the Mississippi River delta will harm crops along the Ohio River in Kentucky, according to the National Weather Service.

It does not appear that there will be any major flooding of the Ohio; however, the flooding along the Mississippi could have indirect effects on the Ohio River ecosystem that could alter the habitat of our targeted gigantic catfish.

Crops could be widely lost within the low-lying fields along the banks of the Ohio. With less vegetation to consume, small mammals, birds and wayward land scavengers will be forced to seek other means of sustenance. For many species, a survey of the marine environment will result.

Aquatic and sub-aquatic predation could therefore be seen among many marmots, coyotes, raccoons, cougars, peacocks, and a variety of other species not normally known to hunt around water (including the occasional zoo escapee such as lion, rhinoceros or gorilla). Unaccustomed to the ways of the river, it is likely that many of them, desperate on the brink of starvation, will be carried away by the conditions or lost in the current. They will then surely become drowning victims and, sinking to the riverbed like displaced stones, exotic cuisine for the mighty beast that lies in wait.

Please remain on the lookout for elevated levels of gigantic catfish activity in the coming days, even with increased summer boating traffic in play.

Eye Patch Blues: Midday Lament

Summer may come
Summer may go
River gets high
River gets low
Silent water
Eerily still
Giant catfish
Needs his fill
Deadly whisker
Meets whisky fight
Swarthy pirates
With half their sight
Eye for an eye
Tooth for a fin
Rum for dinner
Last meal for gin
Some men worry
Life in a rut
Better than death
In catfish gut

Shark vs. Chopper & Other Natural Rivalries

By now everyone is familiar with the celebrated image of Shark vs. Chopper, featured primarily in photographs, chain e-mails, shirts and other garments.

However, no one has seemed quite certain where the image had come from or why such a spectacle would be occurring. Until now.

After spending years investigating the background of the confrontation, a team of crack researchers and marine biologists have finally determined why the shark and helicopter were at battle. The shark was trying to pull the helicopter underwater to help it fend off gigantic catfish. The helicopter, of course, was reluctant, feeling itself safe within the fishless sky.

Evidence of the battle had never been recovered because the shark had proven successful at bringing the helicopter down to the depths of one of the larger and more unknown nooks of the Ohio River, where sharks have survived unnoticed for millions of years, assumedly to serve as prey for catfish. Neither the shark nor the helicopter have ever been seen or heard from since the encounter. It is presumed that they now reside as neighbors within the belly of the beast.

In celebration of these findings, clothing designers and high-end fashionistas are currently working on a new clothing line, Shark & Helicopter vs. Catfish.

Items pulled from the mud of the Ohio River around Cincinnati last night:

19 Boston Red Sox jerseys (8 of them blood-stained)
567 Boston Red Sox caps (94 of them blood-stained)
4 Boston Red Sox fans (none of them sober)
13 Hairs from Kevin Youkilis’s chin
22,456 Great American Ballpark plastic beer cups
32 Dropkick Murphy’s CDs
188 Credit cods, maxed out
6 Transients, world weary
0 Gigantic Catfish

Ladies and gentlemen, your captain has returned. Stand behind me and together we shall right these failures and indecencies.