The time has come to begin consolidating supplies

A complete list of necessary munitions is forthcoming. If you have anything that would be of obvious use I would ask you to stockpile and reserve for the appropriate occasion.

In the mean time, does anyone have access to plutonium? It does not need to be weapons-grade.

She mills about the front yard, sweepin the dust. Grass ain’t grown there in three summers. He sits on the rickety porch, rockin in his chair. His drink’s gettin warm. Where’d he put those nails?

Rabbit Hash, Kentucky. Nother summer comin round. Been waitin for them ice meltin days. Better than just sittin around waitin to die. They’re twenty feet apart but he ain’t talked to her in four days. She cooks but she don’t eat. They don’t need to talk cause there’s nothin to say anymore. The wind blows and they can hear his laughter.

In his dreams he hears the splash. In her nightmares she hears their only child scream. Horror upon horrors, an evil legend’s all-too-real whiskers wavin at your terrified face. The days pass by, each a marathon, each a trial, and turn into years. Once upon a time they were good at lovin together, and they thought they were good at parentin together too, but they’ll never be good at bein lonely together. Just weren’t cut out for it, I reckon.

Philosophical Question of the Day

If a gypsy falls in the river, does it make a splash?

Who'll Stop the Rain?

Greater Cincinnati and Northern Kentucky received 1.14 inches of rainfall Monday, according to the National Weather Service in Wilmington. The amount marks the most seen on that date in 34 years. The steady rain, sometimes bordering on soul-soaking downpour, began falling Monday afternoon and continued through the late evening, with considerable cloudbursts recurring around 2 a.m. and 6 a.m. Tuesday morning.

What effect is this having on our elusive gigantic catfish? Probably very little...

According to the National Weather Service River Watch, the Ohio River currently remains well below flood stage around Cincinnati, with a margin of some 14 feet. Further, the river depth is expected to drop a few additional feet as the week goes on. All indications are that sunny skies and warmer temperatures are headed our way.

Most likely the beast has gotten some good rest the past 24 hours. Weary from its weekend feast, the seamonster has probably taken advantage of the cool weather and steady rainfall to sleep comfortably for an extended period of time. In fact, it may not awake until some time Wednesday when the Sun finally melts the clouds and warms the Tri-State and its river basin. In the coming days and weeks, conditions will become appropriate for the great catfish to resume its depraved activities and relatively aggressive behavior. The time will soon be right for our noble pursuit to be amped up and the river chase proper to begin...


RIVER GAGE DATA WAS PROVIDED BY THE U.S. GEOLOGICAL SURVEY, THE ARMY CORPS OF ENGINEERS, THE MIAMI CONSERVANCY DISTRICT, AND STATE DIVISIONS OF WATER.

Beggar's Banquet

This weekend marks significant events in the Greater Cincinnati area:

It is Maifest in Covington’s MainStrasse Village. Germans, German-Americans and hate-filled wannabes alike will descend on the Dirty Cov to get wildly intoxicated for next to no reason. As this vaudevillian enchantment will occur so close to the river, rest (or black out) assured that the catfish will be listening intently. Bums, transients and town drunks will be cashing in their last ticket by the gypsy cart load. The number of bodies sinking to the river’s floor will be far greater, the meat fouler. A fine feast indeed for our prized gigantic catfish.

The Cleveland Indians are in town to play the Reds. With them will come their deplorable fans. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. Conflicts with noble Reds fans will surely increase the body count to nearly unimaginable levels. The greasy fallen in blood-soaked Grady Sizemore jerseys will mingle with Maifest’s surrendered en route to the catfish’s belly.

Will the catfish get frisky in light of these events? Will it grow larger yet with the swarthy banquet? Will it uncontrollably eat itself to the brink of extinction? Will Niko Percic cross swords with a bearded Estonian diplomat named Vladimir over what they believe to be the St. Pauli Girl?

Only time will tell…

Don't Think Twice, It's All Right

It has been 5 days since a dead body has been pulled from the Ohio River in the vicinity of Cincinnati. It appears that this floater was an isolated incident. I suggest we wash it from our memories like high tide over driftwood. Let us hereby assume that the undertones of our Quest for the great catfish are aligned with the eternal principle of Business As Usual.

Rainy Season Encourages Cat Naps

Apparently the April showers were a bit delayed around Cincinnati this year, soaking the May flowers with a steady rainfall lasting multiple days. The constant pitter-patter of the raindrops upon the surface of the Ohio River can be felt all the way to the depths of the mudbottoms 60 feet below by the hyperdeveloped sonar instincts of the gigantic blue catfish. Like a soothing melody, the soft ceaseless vibration of the overwater precipitation is surely swaying the eyes of the monster shut, as if rocking a baby to sleep. A 30-foot sea-baby.

So if you're bored tonight, all slept out and feeling frisky, it might be a good chance to poncho up and head out on the river. Sit back, rock some lullabies from your boat, and see if you can't happen upon evidence of a sleeping giant catching some sweet Springtime Z's far below, a seabeast dreaming it can fly.

God Save the Queen!

So now they're trying to shut down the Delta Queen... The authorities will tell you the structure is unsound, the boat unfit for rivertravel. Do not pay mind to these idle warnings. They are breeding paranoia in the streets these days, all the better to keep people and vessels off the river. For fear of seamonsters, for fear of the unknown. They will not be happy until the river is barren and completely untraversed, such that any human attempting to venture out stirs the great waters and upsets the gigantic catfish to the point of providing an easy meal. Fear of being eaten by the mystery of your own world - Ha! This is not our game. These are not our times. Like the Delta Queen, we must explore.

We will all keep our own ships afloat and together we will discover the secrets of the deeps.

Body Pulled From Ohio River

According to the Cincinnati Enquirer, a body was found in the Ohio River on Sunday night. Police reported that the discovery was made after 10 p.m. about a mile west of the Brent Spence Bridge. Kentucky and Ohio officials are at the scene, trying to determine what happened. The body has not been identified.

You may be asking, "Why is this noteworthy?" "Just another freak being sent home... probably some lowlife that messed up on Vine Street one too many times." Well, we all know that bodies are sacrificed to the bosom of the Ohio very frequently. With hobo fishing accidents, fleeing Louisville mobsters dumping bullet-riddled bodies off the Brent Spence out of moving vehicles, and the ancient ritual of the homeless community wading out into the river to concede their fallen brethren to the waters, our best estimate is that a few dozen human bodies are surrendered to the Ohio River daily. But how many bodies are recovered by the authorities?

In the ocean dead fish are eaten by other fish and sinking ships are eaten by whales, in the South Pole dead penguins are eaten by walruses, in the outback dead koalas are eaten by kangaroos, in Las Vegas memories are eaten by the next morning's curbside trash receptacle, and in the Ohio River dead humans are eaten by 30-foot catfish. This is Nature's design. This is the Circle of Life. When a body is recovered out of the Ohio River something has gone awry. A flaw in the design. A gap in the circle. Something's not right here. The seabeast let one get away...

Is this a one-time anomaly or the beginning of a trend? Perhaps our mission now becomes a bit more dire as we learn that our noble subject's reign of glory may be staggering, or maybe even nearing an end...

Stay alert for ongoing developments.