Body Pulled From Ohio River

According to the Cincinnati Enquirer, a body was found in the Ohio River on Sunday night. Police reported that the discovery was made after 10 p.m. about a mile west of the Brent Spence Bridge. Kentucky and Ohio officials are at the scene, trying to determine what happened. The body has not been identified.

You may be asking, "Why is this noteworthy?" "Just another freak being sent home... probably some lowlife that messed up on Vine Street one too many times." Well, we all know that bodies are sacrificed to the bosom of the Ohio very frequently. With hobo fishing accidents, fleeing Louisville mobsters dumping bullet-riddled bodies off the Brent Spence out of moving vehicles, and the ancient ritual of the homeless community wading out into the river to concede their fallen brethren to the waters, our best estimate is that a few dozen human bodies are surrendered to the Ohio River daily. But how many bodies are recovered by the authorities?

In the ocean dead fish are eaten by other fish and sinking ships are eaten by whales, in the South Pole dead penguins are eaten by walruses, in the outback dead koalas are eaten by kangaroos, in Las Vegas memories are eaten by the next morning's curbside trash receptacle, and in the Ohio River dead humans are eaten by 30-foot catfish. This is Nature's design. This is the Circle of Life. When a body is recovered out of the Ohio River something has gone awry. A flaw in the design. A gap in the circle. Something's not right here. The seabeast let one get away...

Is this a one-time anomaly or the beginning of a trend? Perhaps our mission now becomes a bit more dire as we learn that our noble subject's reign of glory may be staggering, or maybe even nearing an end...

Stay alert for ongoing developments.