Fat in the Flames

California-based burger chain Fatburger has opened its first Cincinnati-area location on Madison Road in Oakley. Although at first glance this may seem like an everyday market move for a nationally expanding food services enterprise, the true motives behind the venture lie buried deeper.

The Fatburger menu is, and always has been, completely void of fish or fish products. Traditionally relegated to the confines of polluted southern California and the deserts of the American West, the franchise has never had practical access to a ready supply of fish meat. A move closer to the Ohio River could change this positioning quickly.

Behind closed curtains the sultans of the Fat Empire are planning a new menu item, a fish sandwich made entirely with 100% all remarkably natural gigantic catfish meat. Scientists and greasy spoon entrepreneurs estimate that a single Ohio River gigantic catfish could produce over 1.2 million such sandwiches, enough to fill market supply for up to a year.

Within days a team of Fatburger-employed fishermen, sea-poachers and eco-exploiters will embark on a perilous underwater hunting mission for the elusive monster. They will use thousands of Fatburgers as bait. Fatburger executives hope to introduce their customers to the FatfishCatburger by Christmas 2008, to be originally marketed as a limited-time-only menu offer, pending potential capture and/or breeding of further gigantic catfish.