Keep your GARd up

http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/tech/2008/07/31/dnt.fishgator.ktvk

Strange rumblings from the late July desert. The only thing worse than a fish out of water is a fish in the wrong water. It’s obvious what happened here. Some rogue gar enthusiast took pity on the Ohio River alligator gar. In other bodies of water the prehistoric alligator-snake-fish would be the top of the food chain. But in the rip-roaring sea jungle we know as the mighty Ohio, they are nothing more than mordant din for gigantic catfish.

This we know: the enthusiast is catching gar from the river and transporting them to other smaller bodies of water, at least one of them being in Arizona. This we can only assume: the enthusiast is putting a major dent in the population of a staple of the monster’s diet, thereby making it more likely to attack and consume other prey such as homeless drifter, water skier or riverboat cruise. The rogue has already made it as far away as steamy Arizona and there’s no telling what other reaches of the country or planet he or she has been to, leaving a trail of vicious river gar in his or her wake. It is necessary to scour every lake, pond, river, stream, swimming hole and reservoir between here and the unknown.

But we are of limited resources. All we can reasonably do is go about our business and keep our eyes peeled. If you encounter any alligator gar anywhere outside of the Ohio River, please do the right thing – catch it, bring it back to the Ohio, release it in the muddy waters and allow it to return to its rightful place in the belly of a gigantic catfish.

Fish consumption advisory issued

GALLATIN COUNTY - A fish consumption advisory was issued today by the Kentucky Department for Public Health and the Kentucky Department of Fish and Wildlife Resources for the stretch of the Ohio River from the mouth of the Big Sandy River downstream to Markland Dam near Warsaw.

Recent tissue samplings of sauger and catfish from the river found elevated levels of polychlorinated biphenyl and mercury.

The public is asked to limit consumption of several fish species caught in the river to one meal per month and six meals per year for women of childbearing age, children 6 years old or younger, pregnant and nursing women and women who plan to become pregnant.

- Cincinnati Enquirer Staff Report, July 29, 2008


If ever you’ve needed a reason not to hunt these precious beings for the sake of sustenance, here you have it. The river fish are adapting to the second most dangerous predator they face, the human, by intentionally infusing themselves with polychlorinated biphenyl and mercury. If only gigantic catfish were equally cautioned. Unfortunately we can only assume that the great beast will continue to eat smaller contaminated fish (as well as the now-contaminated homeless that fail to receive warnings published in newspapers and therefore continue to fish for sauger) at majestic rates. No doubt the polychlorinated biphenyl and mercury will only add to its size and powers.

Fins

It's Christmas morning in Cincinnati, that magical day of the year when everything else in life takes a back seat and Jimmy Buffett rolls into town. This is not just a special day to us humans, though, for we can only assume that the marine wildlife of the Ohio River also loves the occasion. Catfish are naturally drawn to vibration, be it from bridges, explosions, geological tremors, or steel drums. If ever there were a night for our sought-after gigantic catfish to stroll east of downtown Cincinnati, it would be tonight. If you are on a boat on the mighty Ohio outside Riverbend this evening, be mindful for what may very well lurk beneath. The concert could provide a golden opportunity to witness the beast in person, but only for those with an open eye and cautious err. The vibrations stimulate, illuminate, excite and sometimes spawn a feeding frenzy. Fins to the left... fins to the right... and whiskers casting a shadow from the starlight down upon the unsuspecting maritime partygoers!

Those of us who treasure the sanctity of our experiences will be safe (although not necessarily dry) throughout the parking lots, tailgates and lawn of the amphitheatre.

Fear Not the Fishwalker

http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/us/2008/07/16/rojas.fl.raining.fish.baynewsnine

Let’s assume this is merely an isolated incident regarding a non-threatening deviant pigmy in-law of the river blue catfish found further north. As is usually the case, there is no immediate cause for concern due to a perverted Floridian freak show. Do not let your mind’s eye slip to doomsday dread of a gigantic catfish roaming the streets of downtown Cincinnati, leveling skyscrapers, devouring families by the mouthful and leaving a wake of destruction that no SWAT team or military cooperative could ever defend itself against.

Potential Bait for Gigantic Catfish

(Click on each for visual examples.)

• Shark
• Ohio River Alligator Gar
• Sea Bass
• Lake Trout
• Barracuda
• Hobo
• Other Catfish

The Hills are Alive

According to an anonymous iReport:

I live in the hills of Kentucky, and there is a natrual lake in a rural county, well one night, some guy was supposably (sic) drunk and went night-fishing and drowned, well after 3 days, the police went diving into this huge lake, and they found the body bit in half, and they swam later to try to retrieve any body parts, well they swam to this small cave and a catfish the size of a car flew below them with a tail of maybe 6 to 7 feet long, one of the divers died of a heart attack and the other said he never wants to go near water again, he later said he had swam with sharks before, but never will he go around that lake or any other lake again.

Leads one to wonder whether these Kentucky lakes are worth investigating as well... Lake cats could at least provide valuable clues about our target, as they are closely related backwoods kin. Worth checking out this midsummer weekend.

Lopez Resurfaces

Felipe Lopez, rumored to have been eaten earlier this week, played a mediocre second base and went 0-4 from the plate in last night's loss to the Diamondbacks in Washington. Reminiscent of thieving Bear Stearns hedge fund manager Sam Israel, who faked his own death on the Bear Mountain Bridge only to later surrender and face his demise, Lopez appears to be alive after all. His alleged river assailant remains "at large."

The Captain had too much to drink one night and then woke up the next morning with a weird pain in his RIVER

It loves the river
It loves the dinner bell
It loves the mass feedings that humans bring into its hell
There is no other creature I know
That could ever put on such a show
I stalk a fish
It loves the river

It loves us also
It loves our noble quest
It loves the science and defiance we roll into its nest
There is no other crew that could track
Such a beast to the north shore and back
We stalk a fish
It loves the river

Water level’s rising
But I rose long ago
To rain detritus down for devil’s crown way deep below
I hope we’ll always be on its trail
Even though it’s big enough to eat a whale
We stalk a fish
It loves the river


Ha Ha, you win this round you magnificent slimy bastard, but we’ll be back! You’re earning quite a bit of respect above water with your mysterious evasion, but we will find you! Sure as the sun sets downstream!

Lopez Disappears, Suspected Eaten

Struggling Washington Nationals IF Felipe Lopez disappeared shortly after playing in the team’s final road game in Cincinnati Sunday evening. He was last seen walking along the “Purple People Bridge” between Cincinnati and Newport, KY, staring down at the Ohio River contemplatively. It is alleged that he tossed himself off the bridge at some point in his meander and was “assumedly consumed by some sort of extremely large river-dwelling fish-like creature,” according to team spokesman/registered D-bag Aaron Boone. The Nationals had just been swept by the Reds in a 4-game weekend series, extending their losing streak to 5 games and planting them in Last Place in Major League Baseball with a record of 34-56. Lopez had appeared dejected while leaving the clubhouse after the game. “I feel partially responsible for this outrageous turn of events,” said Kentucky native/Nationals OF Austin Kearns. “Earlier in the week I had passed along some local stories I’d heard to Felipe and told him that getting in that river would be a quick way to die. I had no idea he was looking for one.” Added Nationals GM Jim Bowden: “Lopez was dead weight anyway. He has been for several years now. I don’t know what kind of animal would eat him, but my guess is they deserve one another.”

Dear Catfish,

I hope you’re enjoying yourself you fat bastard. Soak it up while you can, your days be numbered like the rest of us. Another 4th of July is here. So while we celebrate our independence and freedom once again, you will roam the waters independently, free to hunt and kill all who may stand in your savage way. Coward! You have raped these fair waters. You have befouled Nature’s wonders even as she saw fit to make you. The holiday river traffic suits your depraved ways. You love our fireworks, don’t you demon creature? While we see bright lights, you feel the explosions with your whiskers. The vibrations whisper in your ear, urging you to attack. You are a hungry bitch. One thing I know: If this be me last Independence Day, I shall see you in Hell for the next.

Sincerely,

A Concerned Maritime Citizen