Dear Catfish,

I hope you’re enjoying yourself you fat bastard. Soak it up while you can, your days be numbered like the rest of us. Another 4th of July is here. So while we celebrate our independence and freedom once again, you will roam the waters independently, free to hunt and kill all who may stand in your savage way. Coward! You have raped these fair waters. You have befouled Nature’s wonders even as she saw fit to make you. The holiday river traffic suits your depraved ways. You love our fireworks, don’t you demon creature? While we see bright lights, you feel the explosions with your whiskers. The vibrations whisper in your ear, urging you to attack. You are a hungry bitch. One thing I know: If this be me last Independence Day, I shall see you in Hell for the next.

Sincerely,

A Concerned Maritime Citizen