Lopez Disappears, Suspected Eaten

Struggling Washington Nationals IF Felipe Lopez disappeared shortly after playing in the team’s final road game in Cincinnati Sunday evening. He was last seen walking along the “Purple People Bridge” between Cincinnati and Newport, KY, staring down at the Ohio River contemplatively. It is alleged that he tossed himself off the bridge at some point in his meander and was “assumedly consumed by some sort of extremely large river-dwelling fish-like creature,” according to team spokesman/registered D-bag Aaron Boone. The Nationals had just been swept by the Reds in a 4-game weekend series, extending their losing streak to 5 games and planting them in Last Place in Major League Baseball with a record of 34-56. Lopez had appeared dejected while leaving the clubhouse after the game. “I feel partially responsible for this outrageous turn of events,” said Kentucky native/Nationals OF Austin Kearns. “Earlier in the week I had passed along some local stories I’d heard to Felipe and told him that getting in that river would be a quick way to die. I had no idea he was looking for one.” Added Nationals GM Jim Bowden: “Lopez was dead weight anyway. He has been for several years now. I don’t know what kind of animal would eat him, but my guess is they deserve one another.”