Winter Status Updates

• The cold breath of winter has silenced gigantic catfish hunting and Ohio River deep sea exploration for another season. Like so many dinner victims, however, it will not be long for this world.

• The enemies of science and progress have been eerily quiet of late.

• A lack of widespread sport-related hostility or natural disasters has probably left the seabeast bored and listless the past few weeks. We must only assume he lay in wait.

• A 24-man task force employed by Fatburger embarked on their own greed-fueled quest for gigantic catfish on the morning of October 13. There were no survivors.

• Parts of the river will freeze for winter, entombing thousands of small fish and homeless. Large catfish, more than capable of breaking through any amount of ice, reserve their power for emergencies.

• All federal funding for river catfishing expeditions has been suspended. Lame duck President Bush has not prioritized the initiative among the top concerns of his final weeks in Office. Some hope that the incoming administration will be more sensitive to the importance of our mission.

• Novelist Cilantro Abernathy has mysteriously disappeared. For a time struggling to find a publisher for Strange Tales of the Ohio Catfishermen, he has now simply vanished.

• This year’s Ohio River Catfish Society holiday party has been cancelled due to consensus grumpiness.

• Deep below in the dark muck the Beast survives yet.

• Keep the Dream afloat.

Fat in the Flames

California-based burger chain Fatburger has opened its first Cincinnati-area location on Madison Road in Oakley. Although at first glance this may seem like an everyday market move for a nationally expanding food services enterprise, the true motives behind the venture lie buried deeper.

The Fatburger menu is, and always has been, completely void of fish or fish products. Traditionally relegated to the confines of polluted southern California and the deserts of the American West, the franchise has never had practical access to a ready supply of fish meat. A move closer to the Ohio River could change this positioning quickly.

Behind closed curtains the sultans of the Fat Empire are planning a new menu item, a fish sandwich made entirely with 100% all remarkably natural gigantic catfish meat. Scientists and greasy spoon entrepreneurs estimate that a single Ohio River gigantic catfish could produce over 1.2 million such sandwiches, enough to fill market supply for up to a year.

Within days a team of Fatburger-employed fishermen, sea-poachers and eco-exploiters will embark on a perilous underwater hunting mission for the elusive monster. They will use thousands of Fatburgers as bait. Fatburger executives hope to introduce their customers to the FatfishCatburger by Christmas 2008, to be originally marketed as a limited-time-only menu offer, pending potential capture and/or breeding of further gigantic catfish.

Huge pig sent to stud after holding woman hostage

CANBERRA (Reuters Life!) - A pony-size pig who held an Australian woman hostage for 10 days inside her home will be removed on Wednesday to a piggery, where his bacon will be saved by a stint on stud duties, rangers said.

The 80 kg (176 pound) pig, nicknamed Bruce, kept self-confessed animal lover Caroline Hayes, 63, in her farmhouse near Uki, in northern New South Wales State, with aggressive demands to be fed, even headbutting her bedroom door at night.

"I picked up a broom and poked him out with it and he snapped it in half with his mouth," Hayes told Australian media.

She said the pushy pig was as big as a "Shetland pony" and wandered onto her property 11 days ago after being let loose in surrounding rainforest by neighbors.

Len Hing, a pest animal ranger from the local Tweed Lismore Rural Lands Protection Board, told Australian Broadcasting Corp. radio that Bruce was friendly, but his large size made him a handful when he was hungry.

"I wouldn't like to see the pig go as a pet anywhere because he could become a potentially dangerous animal," he said.

Rangers were to remove the pig on Wednesday and take him to a piggery where he was to be placed on stud duty, Hing said.

Opponents to this move demanded instead that the pig be immediately shipped to Cincinnati, Ohio, and fed to a monstrous catfish that lurks deep within the Ohio River.

“Feeding that pig to the catfish could save lives,” said local commercial property owner Simon Zazou. “When the fish’s local food supply gets low it gets hungry and eats anything. The homeless population is the first to suffer. If the bums get eaten, they can’t be where I need them: out panhandling in front of my bar and harassing potential customers.”

Hing still thinks the piggery is the right move, though. “What Mr. Zazou and others from his neighborhood fail to realize is that we can potentially use Bruce to spawn a super-breed of giant pigs. If we put him to stud now, within a few years we could produce hundreds - if not thousands - of succulent two to three hundred pound pigs. Enough to satisfy even the most mythical of gigantic catfish hungers.”

The local population around Cincinnati, ever fearful and skeptical about the limitless capacity of the beast’s hunger, still seems antsy to drop the pig into the water and listen to it squeal.

“We have a saying at my bar,” Zazou concluded. “A quick fix is the only fix.”

A Brief Aside...

Hey, a good friend of mine, Cilantro Abernathy, is writing a new novel and he has been kind enough to offer us a brief excerpt from it. The working title is Strange Tales of the Ohio Catfishermen. He hopes to complete his work and begin looking for a publisher by the end of the year. The excerpt is below:

Funny feeling, waking up and not remembering what happened the night before. It’s not like it’s an unfamiliar feeling to him, though. He’s been through this drill enough times before. The best thing to do is just smile and go about your business like nothing happened.

Rays of morning sunlight bust in through the blinds and he decides to go outside for a stroll. The clear blue sky is spotted by rolling cumulus clouds that pour quickly across the vast horizon as he makes his way into town. All is still and peaceful and he is completely at ease.

Meandering casually down Main Street he passes the door to the coffee shop and yells a friendly greeting to the man behind the counter. The man seems to ignore him and does not respond.

Further down the street he hears the happy tune of an ice cream truck. Scattered bits of memories begin to come back, as if through déjà vu. Memories from the night before brought on by the chiming. It seems like he was at an amusement park with the happy organ melodies almost surreal. The rides are loud and bristling, wild screams fill the night and he is spinning madly. He feels dizzy by the impulse.

Stopping for breath, he gazes longingly at a shop window. The glass is clear and reflective. Through it he sees the trees behind him, pavement, birds fluttering past. Something is missing in the reflection, though. He does not see himself. Looking yet only at the reflection, he sees people passing by. A man in a bowler hat walking a white terrier on a leash. A lady holding hands with a little girl, walking her along a half-step behind her. The little girl wears a grey overcoat and to her free hand is tied the string of a blue balloon. She stares into the shop window profoundly as she walks past.

Somewhat disoriented, he moves along and stands outside the door to a seafood restaurant. A model boat is in the window. More memories return to him, sounds of the structure crashing and breaking all around him. Haphazard splashes everywhere. Inside the restaurant is a photograph of a man holding up a large catfish. The amusement park yelling returns to his ears, this time rising to a crescendo that borders on terror. A vast gulp.

He steps back and hears the howling of the wind gusting from the north. Autumn is upon the town. He sees the trees swaying wildly in the breeze but he feels nothing.

He kicks at a stone. Nothing.
He throws a punch at a brick wall. Nothing.
He tries to pick a flower. Nothing.
He runs into oncoming traffic. Nothing.

The gulp echoes between his temples.

For a brief moment the traffic roars off and all is silent around him. He steps back and reclines. From far, far away he hears the eerie calliope moan of a river steamboat. Again a peace falls over him. Utter relaxation and total ease of body and mind overwhelm his newfound understanding.

Better settle in, he says silently to himself. It could be a long winter.

Obituary: Hurricane Ike (August 19, 2008 - September 14, 2008)

Hurricane Ike was born from an easterly wave leaving western Sudan on August 19, 2008, which moved westward through Nigeria and Mali and reached the coastal country of Senegal on August 28. The wave then drifted into the Atlantic Ocean and slowly intensified over subsequent days while moving generally towards the west-northwest. On September 1, the wave developed a sufficient amount of convection and Ike was given his original birth name, Tropical Depression Nine. As a depression, Ike continued to intensify and become organized. At 5:00 p.m. EDT, he was upgraded to Tropical Storm Ike. Ike was raised in an environment which was supportive of intensification.

After a series of minor setbacks, structural inconsistencies and comical adolescent hijinks, Ike had a growth spurt and began to seriously intensify in the late morning of September 3. Microwave satellites depicted an eye beginning to form and Ike strengthened to just below hurricane status. Ike’s eye continued to become better defined and by mid-afternoon Ike was upgraded to a hurricane. Due to the lack of wind shear, Ike began to undergo explosive intensification and was upgraded to a major hurricane with winds of 115 mph only three hours after being upgraded to a hurricane. During the three hour span, the pressure dropped 24 mbar. Ike continued to intensify and was further upgraded to a Category 4 hurricane three hours later with winds of 135 mph and a pressure of 948 mbar.

By the early morning hours on September 4, Ike had reached his peak intensity of 145 mph with a pressure of 935 mbar, making him the most intense storm thus far in the 2008 Atlantic hurricane season.

By the early morning hours of September 7, Ike had passed directly over the Turks and Caicos Islands with winds of 135 mph. He made landfall as a strong Category 3 hurricane in Holguín Province, Cuba, on the evening of September 7. He also made landfall a second time in Pinar del Río before entering the Gulf of Mexico in the afternoon of September 9.

During the night of September 10, Ike exhibited a rapid drop in central pressure; however wind speed only increased from 85 mph to 100 mph, indicating the structure was absorbing and distributing energy over a large area, rather than concentrating it near the center.

Over the next two days, Ike maintained a steady course towards Galveston and Houston. He increased only slightly in intensity to 110 mph - the high end of Category 2 - but exhibited an unusually large wind field. As Ike approached the Texas coast, his inner structure and eyewall became more organized.

Ike made U.S. landfall at Galveston, Texas, on September 13 at 2:10am CDT, as a Category 2 hurricane with winds of 110 mph and a central pressure of 952 mbar. The 2am NHC advisory cited tropical storm and hurricane force winds extending 275 miles and 120 miles, respectively, from the center.

During the day of September 13, Ike began a slow turn to the north and then northeast. After losing strength to Tropical Storm force winds, he passed near Houston; 100 miles to the east of Dallas, Texas; and west of Little Rock, Arkansas. He returned to his roots as a Tropical Depression and continued northeast, passing near St. Louis, Missouri. Ike brought heavy rainfall all along his path, but moved more quickly the farther north he went.

Early on September 14, Ike merged with a large cold front moving from west to east across the central United States. In a final burst of unforeseen energy he created very strong winds, power outages and mass destruction all the way up the Ohio River valley as far north as Cincinnati. He was last seen smothering a Carson Palmer pass intended for Antonio Chatman. On the late afternoon of September 14, 2008, Hurricane Ike died, reportedly eaten by a large fish-like creature that pulled him down into the Ohio River basin and made him its Sunday dinner.

Ike has been blamed for 120 deaths, primarily in Haiti and the United States, with many of the deaths taking place well inland. Damages from Ike in coastal areas are estimated at $27 billion. If the estimates are accurate, Ike will be the fourth costliest Atlantic hurricane and third costliest U.S. hurricane of all time.

His burial took place abruptly with no known audience, and his remains will be slowly digested over the course of the next thousand years. In lieu of flowers, his family asks that donations be sent to the Red Cross Disaster Relief Fund.

I can still see the old man there at the bus stop, ragged and tired. Didn’t leave that bus stop for many many years, close as I can reckon. “Takin the Greyhound to Natchez,” he’d say. Wouldn’t get on a steamboat, even though it were cheaper in them days. Couldn’t take the boat, couldn’t take the river. Too many voices. Voices from the Depression. Out on the river in the middle of the night wouldn’t be able to stop hearin them voices.

“How’s that river flowin today Slim?”
“Flowin.”
“Catch anythin?”
“Nope.”
“How many days it been?”
“Too many.”
“What’s the problem?”
“Sometin out dere. Sometin eatin all de catchin fish.”
“Any idear?”
“Nope. Gotsta find out though. Dem poor kids is starvin. Ain’t got no energy, ain't got no will. Wife’s skin'n bones. Can’t see her like dis mon.”
“Here, take this Slim.”
“What’s in dis bag mon?”
“Lake smelt.”
“Oh, can’t take dis.”
“You’ll take it. I ain’t takin it back.”
“Can’t live like dis. Ain’t no way to live I tell ya.”
“Hey, where you think you’re goin?”
“Out to sea.”
“On the river?”
“Yeah mon.”
“What fer?”
“Find out what’s eatin dem fish. Catch de sumbitch. Call it to answer. Feed my family wit it. Bets we could eat on dat ting all winter. Maybe longer.”
“Whatever’s out there, tis too big. You’ll be that what’s for eatin.”
“Maybe so. Chance I gotta take.”
“I’d think this through Slim.”
“Times for thinkin’s done gone mon.”
“Come back you fool!”

But he was gone. Slim was never seen nor heard from ever again. And the old man just walked on down to the bus stop to become old. Goin to Natchez, lookin for Slim’s old fishin hat. So you kids can take yer housin crisis. Aint’ never seen no depression.

Heavier yet be the price of treason

“U.S. Sen. Jim Bunning says he'll oppose any measure that exempts the riverboat Delta Queen from fire safety regulations because that would leave passengers exposed to danger...” - Courtesy: Cincinnati.com

Claiming a healthy aversion to fire, Bunning has now aligned himself firmly against our cause. At first glance he may seem a vile enemy. But there is a simplistic cause behind the action of every politician. And I have a feeling it’s not just his senility in this case.

Money? No. The only heavily vested interests in this fight would be pro-Queen.
Votes? Definitely not. His constituency and other independent voters skew heavily in favor of the boat.
Pride? Quite the opposite, these words border on public shame.
A place in History? Perhaps alongside famous proponents of National Socialism in the 1930s…

Fear? Ahh, now we may be onto something, Jethro. Fear of an enemy more powerful than any organized military force or political party. Fear rather of the Unknown.

It now appears obvious to me, those in the Know, the online “comment” posting community, and the Smart Money that a gigantic catfish is in the ear of our boy Bunning. The only thing that could move a man so set in his ways to these humiliating depths of treachery is the threat of a death more terrible than any public execution, a fate more horrifying than a thousand guillotines, a sight more ghastly than an army of ghouls, an eternity no less… spent in the vast belly of a mythical seamonster. Let us now in this dark hour only hope that the beast not present itself all-too-real to many more weak-minded politicians. Each vote for the Queen, a vote for freedom, a vote for tradition, a vote, yes, for mankind… may cause another brave defender of liberty to be consumed. But still we must let our voice be heard.

Help Sustain River Culture

Click here to donate to the Red Cross Disaster Relief Fund now and help New Orleans combat the destruction of Hurricane Gustav and ensure that future generations can enjoy the culture of a great river town!

Many flee New Orleans for Ohio River Valley

The floor of the Ohio River near Cincinnati turned into a sea of small- to medium-sized catfish yesterday as the number of Hurricane Gustav evacuees swelled to 1,400 by 10 last night. And it could be approaching 2,000 by this morning.

Catfish school leaders in New Orleans issued a mandatory evacuation order as the massive storm approached the Gulf Coast. Only a fraction of the nearly 2 million catfish that thrive in the Mississippi River delta around the Louisiana coast fled as far north as Cincinnati yesterday. This would prove a tragic miscalculation for many of the fish.

Local gigantic catfish were prepared to receive as many as 4,250 smaller catfish evacuees in a small region of the Ohio River stretching from about 4 miles southwest of Bromley to about 500 yards east of Pirate’s Cove.

Of the 2,000 small- to medium-sized cajun-flavored catfish expected around Cincinnati today, only 4 to 6 of them are expected to escape uneaten. Upon returning south to join the rest of the New Orleans catfish community, the survivors will begin rebuilding yet again. Due to preparations, precautions and lessons learned by older catfish who had been around for Hurricane Katrina in 2005, the damage done to the spicy schools of Louisiana catfish by Gustav is expected to be far less substantial.

Meanwhile, the terrifying reign of the Ohio River gigantic catfish marches on with majestic dominance and lusting satisfaction, the beast well fed, resting complacently until the next destructive act of Nature comes along to provide another effortless feast.

Public Service Announcement

The Delta Queen is currently docked on the Cincinnati waterfront, unloading passengers from its most recent 7-day voyage along the mighty Mississippi and the noble Ohio. If the forces of evil within the U.S. governing bodies have their way, though, this could have been one of the last such treks for the proud vessel. Cruises on the Queen will be effectively eliminated this October if legislators don’t pull through and deliver a 10-year exemption specifically for the craft. But our help may be necessary. See what you can do to help the cause today: http://www.majesticamericaline.com/SaveTheDeltaQueen.aspx.

This is a grassroots effort that needs as many supporters as possible. If we do not rise up as honest Americans and defend our history, our heritage, our working class jobs and, yes, our River, the steams of our strongest ideals will evaporate in the haze of a vacant and lifeless future. And, perhaps more importantly, without such behemoth vessels dominating the waterway proper, the beautiful channels will soon become void of human interaction, the ecosystem feebly susceptible to brutal domination by the Seamonster that lies beneath, a mythical beast waiting patiently to be the largest object left around and free to eat anything that may drift by or sink beneath. Make your presence known. Make Our presence known! God Save the Queen!

Dont' go jumpin head of yourself, Chief. We thought things were gettin all clean and quiet another time, summer of 58. Cannons stirred the night. Eleven hundred men went into the water. Vessel went down in 12 minutes. Didn't see the first fish for about a half-hour. Cat. 18-footer. You know how you know that in the water, Chief? You can tell by lookin' from the dorsal to the tail. What we didn't know, was that our mission was so secret, no distress signal had been sent. They didn't even list us overdue for a week. Very first light, Chief, catfish come cruisin' by, so we formed ourselves into tight groups. It was sorta like you see in the calendars, you know the infantry squares in the old calendars like the Battle of Waterloo and the idea was the catfish come to the nearest man, that man he starts poundin' and hollerin' and sometimes that catfish he go away... but sometimes he wouldn't go away. Sometimes that catfish looks right at ya. Right into your eyes. And the thing about a catfish is he's got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll's eyes. When he comes at ya, he doesn't even seem to be livin'... 'til he eats ya whole, and those black eyes roll over white and then... ah, then you hear that echoin gulp. Sometimes it's messy, river turns red. You know by the end of that first dawn, lost a hundred men. I don't know how many catfish there were, maybe a thousand... maybe 1. I do know how many men, they averaged six an hour. Thursday mornin', Chief, I bumped into a friend of mine, Herbie Robinson from Portsmouth. Billiard player. He was bobbin in the water, half-asleep, barely holdin on to himself. I reached out to shake him. But he was gone. Disappeared, pulled under, never to resurface. A whisker slapped me in the face. At noon on the fifth day, a Lockheed Ventura swung in low and he spotted us, a young pilot, lot younger than Mr. Bastard here. Anyway, he spotted us and a few hours later a big ol' fat PBY come down and started to pick us up. You know that was the time I was most frightened. Waitin' for my turn. So, eleven hundred men went into the water. 316 men come out, the catfish took the rest, June the 29th, 1958. Anyway, that river ain't clean.

In Evolution & Politics, there is no such thing as "Very Good"

http://www.wcpo.com/news/local/story.aspx?content_id=3be0c82e-42e3-499b-9c97-38a5983303b4

“Very Good?” How is this possible? Have the forces of darkness been removed from our valley and sent downstream to spread despair and ruin amongst the unsuspecting inhabitants of Memphis, Vicksburg, Baton Rouge, etc.?

Merely a mistake, we must cautiously assume. Some poor fool down at the Health Commission got all jacked up on Old Crow and low-grade tranquilizers and spilt some Aquafina into his samples. Hell, maybe the twisted scumbag even infused the river water with his own urine. Something must explain how that filthy muck could ever be considered clean in any standard set by the same manically paranoid self-obsessed society that spawned Nivea, pilates, Howard Hughes and the Screen Actors Guild.

Or maybe 8 is "very good" just as it is for a toddler bowling.

If not, we may be in for a bumpy ride. Within the fickle realm of bioreality in which Mother Nature lays claim to the throne there are only a few possible, albeit far-fetched, rationales for such madness. Maybe there are no more homeless floating in the Ohio River, all consumed by gigantic catfish at some point prior. Maybe the gar have all been swept out West by concerned citizens who also cleaned the river of all trash, flotsam, toxin, jetsam and bloody Steelers jerseys. Or perhaps, silent under a full moon, without pretense or motive, without forewarning or goodbye, closing an ageless era that will somehow outlive us all, like the last warm breeze on the last night of summer, It is Gone.

Stay tuned for further developments and idle speculation…

Here's a Haiku

whiskers in the river
an accidental splash
it’s good eats

Keep your GARd up

http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/tech/2008/07/31/dnt.fishgator.ktvk

Strange rumblings from the late July desert. The only thing worse than a fish out of water is a fish in the wrong water. It’s obvious what happened here. Some rogue gar enthusiast took pity on the Ohio River alligator gar. In other bodies of water the prehistoric alligator-snake-fish would be the top of the food chain. But in the rip-roaring sea jungle we know as the mighty Ohio, they are nothing more than mordant din for gigantic catfish.

This we know: the enthusiast is catching gar from the river and transporting them to other smaller bodies of water, at least one of them being in Arizona. This we can only assume: the enthusiast is putting a major dent in the population of a staple of the monster’s diet, thereby making it more likely to attack and consume other prey such as homeless drifter, water skier or riverboat cruise. The rogue has already made it as far away as steamy Arizona and there’s no telling what other reaches of the country or planet he or she has been to, leaving a trail of vicious river gar in his or her wake. It is necessary to scour every lake, pond, river, stream, swimming hole and reservoir between here and the unknown.

But we are of limited resources. All we can reasonably do is go about our business and keep our eyes peeled. If you encounter any alligator gar anywhere outside of the Ohio River, please do the right thing – catch it, bring it back to the Ohio, release it in the muddy waters and allow it to return to its rightful place in the belly of a gigantic catfish.

Fish consumption advisory issued

GALLATIN COUNTY - A fish consumption advisory was issued today by the Kentucky Department for Public Health and the Kentucky Department of Fish and Wildlife Resources for the stretch of the Ohio River from the mouth of the Big Sandy River downstream to Markland Dam near Warsaw.

Recent tissue samplings of sauger and catfish from the river found elevated levels of polychlorinated biphenyl and mercury.

The public is asked to limit consumption of several fish species caught in the river to one meal per month and six meals per year for women of childbearing age, children 6 years old or younger, pregnant and nursing women and women who plan to become pregnant.

- Cincinnati Enquirer Staff Report, July 29, 2008


If ever you’ve needed a reason not to hunt these precious beings for the sake of sustenance, here you have it. The river fish are adapting to the second most dangerous predator they face, the human, by intentionally infusing themselves with polychlorinated biphenyl and mercury. If only gigantic catfish were equally cautioned. Unfortunately we can only assume that the great beast will continue to eat smaller contaminated fish (as well as the now-contaminated homeless that fail to receive warnings published in newspapers and therefore continue to fish for sauger) at majestic rates. No doubt the polychlorinated biphenyl and mercury will only add to its size and powers.

Fins

It's Christmas morning in Cincinnati, that magical day of the year when everything else in life takes a back seat and Jimmy Buffett rolls into town. This is not just a special day to us humans, though, for we can only assume that the marine wildlife of the Ohio River also loves the occasion. Catfish are naturally drawn to vibration, be it from bridges, explosions, geological tremors, or steel drums. If ever there were a night for our sought-after gigantic catfish to stroll east of downtown Cincinnati, it would be tonight. If you are on a boat on the mighty Ohio outside Riverbend this evening, be mindful for what may very well lurk beneath. The concert could provide a golden opportunity to witness the beast in person, but only for those with an open eye and cautious err. The vibrations stimulate, illuminate, excite and sometimes spawn a feeding frenzy. Fins to the left... fins to the right... and whiskers casting a shadow from the starlight down upon the unsuspecting maritime partygoers!

Those of us who treasure the sanctity of our experiences will be safe (although not necessarily dry) throughout the parking lots, tailgates and lawn of the amphitheatre.

Fear Not the Fishwalker

http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/us/2008/07/16/rojas.fl.raining.fish.baynewsnine

Let’s assume this is merely an isolated incident regarding a non-threatening deviant pigmy in-law of the river blue catfish found further north. As is usually the case, there is no immediate cause for concern due to a perverted Floridian freak show. Do not let your mind’s eye slip to doomsday dread of a gigantic catfish roaming the streets of downtown Cincinnati, leveling skyscrapers, devouring families by the mouthful and leaving a wake of destruction that no SWAT team or military cooperative could ever defend itself against.

Potential Bait for Gigantic Catfish

(Click on each for visual examples.)

• Shark
• Ohio River Alligator Gar
• Sea Bass
• Lake Trout
• Barracuda
• Hobo
• Other Catfish

The Hills are Alive

According to an anonymous iReport:

I live in the hills of Kentucky, and there is a natrual lake in a rural county, well one night, some guy was supposably (sic) drunk and went night-fishing and drowned, well after 3 days, the police went diving into this huge lake, and they found the body bit in half, and they swam later to try to retrieve any body parts, well they swam to this small cave and a catfish the size of a car flew below them with a tail of maybe 6 to 7 feet long, one of the divers died of a heart attack and the other said he never wants to go near water again, he later said he had swam with sharks before, but never will he go around that lake or any other lake again.

Leads one to wonder whether these Kentucky lakes are worth investigating as well... Lake cats could at least provide valuable clues about our target, as they are closely related backwoods kin. Worth checking out this midsummer weekend.

Lopez Resurfaces

Felipe Lopez, rumored to have been eaten earlier this week, played a mediocre second base and went 0-4 from the plate in last night's loss to the Diamondbacks in Washington. Reminiscent of thieving Bear Stearns hedge fund manager Sam Israel, who faked his own death on the Bear Mountain Bridge only to later surrender and face his demise, Lopez appears to be alive after all. His alleged river assailant remains "at large."

The Captain had too much to drink one night and then woke up the next morning with a weird pain in his RIVER

It loves the river
It loves the dinner bell
It loves the mass feedings that humans bring into its hell
There is no other creature I know
That could ever put on such a show
I stalk a fish
It loves the river

It loves us also
It loves our noble quest
It loves the science and defiance we roll into its nest
There is no other crew that could track
Such a beast to the north shore and back
We stalk a fish
It loves the river

Water level’s rising
But I rose long ago
To rain detritus down for devil’s crown way deep below
I hope we’ll always be on its trail
Even though it’s big enough to eat a whale
We stalk a fish
It loves the river


Ha Ha, you win this round you magnificent slimy bastard, but we’ll be back! You’re earning quite a bit of respect above water with your mysterious evasion, but we will find you! Sure as the sun sets downstream!

Lopez Disappears, Suspected Eaten

Struggling Washington Nationals IF Felipe Lopez disappeared shortly after playing in the team’s final road game in Cincinnati Sunday evening. He was last seen walking along the “Purple People Bridge” between Cincinnati and Newport, KY, staring down at the Ohio River contemplatively. It is alleged that he tossed himself off the bridge at some point in his meander and was “assumedly consumed by some sort of extremely large river-dwelling fish-like creature,” according to team spokesman/registered D-bag Aaron Boone. The Nationals had just been swept by the Reds in a 4-game weekend series, extending their losing streak to 5 games and planting them in Last Place in Major League Baseball with a record of 34-56. Lopez had appeared dejected while leaving the clubhouse after the game. “I feel partially responsible for this outrageous turn of events,” said Kentucky native/Nationals OF Austin Kearns. “Earlier in the week I had passed along some local stories I’d heard to Felipe and told him that getting in that river would be a quick way to die. I had no idea he was looking for one.” Added Nationals GM Jim Bowden: “Lopez was dead weight anyway. He has been for several years now. I don’t know what kind of animal would eat him, but my guess is they deserve one another.”

Dear Catfish,

I hope you’re enjoying yourself you fat bastard. Soak it up while you can, your days be numbered like the rest of us. Another 4th of July is here. So while we celebrate our independence and freedom once again, you will roam the waters independently, free to hunt and kill all who may stand in your savage way. Coward! You have raped these fair waters. You have befouled Nature’s wonders even as she saw fit to make you. The holiday river traffic suits your depraved ways. You love our fireworks, don’t you demon creature? While we see bright lights, you feel the explosions with your whiskers. The vibrations whisper in your ear, urging you to attack. You are a hungry bitch. One thing I know: If this be me last Independence Day, I shall see you in Hell for the next.

Sincerely,

A Concerned Maritime Citizen

There's Something in the Air

http://news.cincinnati.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/AB/20080630/NEWS01/306300024/

What is this stench in the air? River pollutants? Treason? Something isn’t right. A number of important issues arise from this news:

* As if it’s not enough that the Delta Queen is being taken from the river, now the Powers-that-be feel the need to shorten its remaining voyages and play mind games with those wishing to enjoy it one last time.

* The “Coast Guard closure” near Paducah is obviously a front. Who or what is trying to keep people from exploring that river is beyond me but this is obviously a calculated measure to keep the Queen away from Cincinnati. If anything I believe the Coast Guard could prove a valuable ally to our cause before it’s all said and done.

* Chattanooga? Choo-Choo…

* Emergency dredging will stifle the underwater ecosystem downstream. Many fish will flee to the northeast. The feeding environment will become much more competitive and the weakest will perish. The seabeast wets its lips, whiskers dancing excitedly in the foul undertow.

* Without the Queen and other rivertravel, and with increasingly easy feeding opportunities, the gigantic catfish will continue to dominate the nether-regions of the Ohio River basin, and mankind will continue to struggle to locate and ideally study the monster.

* Painful as it may be, we must bond with the legislators and work alongside the politicos to champion an extension of the Delta Queen exemption. The “Safety at Sea Act” is in reality anything but. As long as it is intact the Reign of the Catfish will be perpetuated.

* Who is orchestrating this? And why? What are they trying to cover up? What do they have to hide? Why do they deviously stand before the gates of Exploration, Progress and Adventure?

* With each barrier our cause is further justified.

Peacock Soup

The flooding of the Mississippi River delta will harm crops along the Ohio River in Kentucky, according to the National Weather Service.

It does not appear that there will be any major flooding of the Ohio; however, the flooding along the Mississippi could have indirect effects on the Ohio River ecosystem that could alter the habitat of our targeted gigantic catfish.

Crops could be widely lost within the low-lying fields along the banks of the Ohio. With less vegetation to consume, small mammals, birds and wayward land scavengers will be forced to seek other means of sustenance. For many species, a survey of the marine environment will result.

Aquatic and sub-aquatic predation could therefore be seen among many marmots, coyotes, raccoons, cougars, peacocks, and a variety of other species not normally known to hunt around water (including the occasional zoo escapee such as lion, rhinoceros or gorilla). Unaccustomed to the ways of the river, it is likely that many of them, desperate on the brink of starvation, will be carried away by the conditions or lost in the current. They will then surely become drowning victims and, sinking to the riverbed like displaced stones, exotic cuisine for the mighty beast that lies in wait.

Please remain on the lookout for elevated levels of gigantic catfish activity in the coming days, even with increased summer boating traffic in play.

Eye Patch Blues: Midday Lament

Summer may come
Summer may go
River gets high
River gets low
Silent water
Eerily still
Giant catfish
Needs his fill
Deadly whisker
Meets whisky fight
Swarthy pirates
With half their sight
Eye for an eye
Tooth for a fin
Rum for dinner
Last meal for gin
Some men worry
Life in a rut
Better than death
In catfish gut

Shark vs. Chopper & Other Natural Rivalries

By now everyone is familiar with the celebrated image of Shark vs. Chopper, featured primarily in photographs, chain e-mails, shirts and other garments.

However, no one has seemed quite certain where the image had come from or why such a spectacle would be occurring. Until now.

After spending years investigating the background of the confrontation, a team of crack researchers and marine biologists have finally determined why the shark and helicopter were at battle. The shark was trying to pull the helicopter underwater to help it fend off gigantic catfish. The helicopter, of course, was reluctant, feeling itself safe within the fishless sky.

Evidence of the battle had never been recovered because the shark had proven successful at bringing the helicopter down to the depths of one of the larger and more unknown nooks of the Ohio River, where sharks have survived unnoticed for millions of years, assumedly to serve as prey for catfish. Neither the shark nor the helicopter have ever been seen or heard from since the encounter. It is presumed that they now reside as neighbors within the belly of the beast.

In celebration of these findings, clothing designers and high-end fashionistas are currently working on a new clothing line, Shark & Helicopter vs. Catfish.

Items pulled from the mud of the Ohio River around Cincinnati last night:

19 Boston Red Sox jerseys (8 of them blood-stained)
567 Boston Red Sox caps (94 of them blood-stained)
4 Boston Red Sox fans (none of them sober)
13 Hairs from Kevin Youkilis’s chin
22,456 Great American Ballpark plastic beer cups
32 Dropkick Murphy’s CDs
188 Credit cods, maxed out
6 Transients, world weary
0 Gigantic Catfish

Ladies and gentlemen, your captain has returned. Stand behind me and together we shall right these failures and indecencies.

The time has come to begin consolidating supplies

A complete list of necessary munitions is forthcoming. If you have anything that would be of obvious use I would ask you to stockpile and reserve for the appropriate occasion.

In the mean time, does anyone have access to plutonium? It does not need to be weapons-grade.

She mills about the front yard, sweepin the dust. Grass ain’t grown there in three summers. He sits on the rickety porch, rockin in his chair. His drink’s gettin warm. Where’d he put those nails?

Rabbit Hash, Kentucky. Nother summer comin round. Been waitin for them ice meltin days. Better than just sittin around waitin to die. They’re twenty feet apart but he ain’t talked to her in four days. She cooks but she don’t eat. They don’t need to talk cause there’s nothin to say anymore. The wind blows and they can hear his laughter.

In his dreams he hears the splash. In her nightmares she hears their only child scream. Horror upon horrors, an evil legend’s all-too-real whiskers wavin at your terrified face. The days pass by, each a marathon, each a trial, and turn into years. Once upon a time they were good at lovin together, and they thought they were good at parentin together too, but they’ll never be good at bein lonely together. Just weren’t cut out for it, I reckon.

Philosophical Question of the Day

If a gypsy falls in the river, does it make a splash?

Who'll Stop the Rain?

Greater Cincinnati and Northern Kentucky received 1.14 inches of rainfall Monday, according to the National Weather Service in Wilmington. The amount marks the most seen on that date in 34 years. The steady rain, sometimes bordering on soul-soaking downpour, began falling Monday afternoon and continued through the late evening, with considerable cloudbursts recurring around 2 a.m. and 6 a.m. Tuesday morning.

What effect is this having on our elusive gigantic catfish? Probably very little...

According to the National Weather Service River Watch, the Ohio River currently remains well below flood stage around Cincinnati, with a margin of some 14 feet. Further, the river depth is expected to drop a few additional feet as the week goes on. All indications are that sunny skies and warmer temperatures are headed our way.

Most likely the beast has gotten some good rest the past 24 hours. Weary from its weekend feast, the seamonster has probably taken advantage of the cool weather and steady rainfall to sleep comfortably for an extended period of time. In fact, it may not awake until some time Wednesday when the Sun finally melts the clouds and warms the Tri-State and its river basin. In the coming days and weeks, conditions will become appropriate for the great catfish to resume its depraved activities and relatively aggressive behavior. The time will soon be right for our noble pursuit to be amped up and the river chase proper to begin...


RIVER GAGE DATA WAS PROVIDED BY THE U.S. GEOLOGICAL SURVEY, THE ARMY CORPS OF ENGINEERS, THE MIAMI CONSERVANCY DISTRICT, AND STATE DIVISIONS OF WATER.

Beggar's Banquet

This weekend marks significant events in the Greater Cincinnati area:

It is Maifest in Covington’s MainStrasse Village. Germans, German-Americans and hate-filled wannabes alike will descend on the Dirty Cov to get wildly intoxicated for next to no reason. As this vaudevillian enchantment will occur so close to the river, rest (or black out) assured that the catfish will be listening intently. Bums, transients and town drunks will be cashing in their last ticket by the gypsy cart load. The number of bodies sinking to the river’s floor will be far greater, the meat fouler. A fine feast indeed for our prized gigantic catfish.

The Cleveland Indians are in town to play the Reds. With them will come their deplorable fans. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. Conflicts with noble Reds fans will surely increase the body count to nearly unimaginable levels. The greasy fallen in blood-soaked Grady Sizemore jerseys will mingle with Maifest’s surrendered en route to the catfish’s belly.

Will the catfish get frisky in light of these events? Will it grow larger yet with the swarthy banquet? Will it uncontrollably eat itself to the brink of extinction? Will Niko Percic cross swords with a bearded Estonian diplomat named Vladimir over what they believe to be the St. Pauli Girl?

Only time will tell…

Don't Think Twice, It's All Right

It has been 5 days since a dead body has been pulled from the Ohio River in the vicinity of Cincinnati. It appears that this floater was an isolated incident. I suggest we wash it from our memories like high tide over driftwood. Let us hereby assume that the undertones of our Quest for the great catfish are aligned with the eternal principle of Business As Usual.

Rainy Season Encourages Cat Naps

Apparently the April showers were a bit delayed around Cincinnati this year, soaking the May flowers with a steady rainfall lasting multiple days. The constant pitter-patter of the raindrops upon the surface of the Ohio River can be felt all the way to the depths of the mudbottoms 60 feet below by the hyperdeveloped sonar instincts of the gigantic blue catfish. Like a soothing melody, the soft ceaseless vibration of the overwater precipitation is surely swaying the eyes of the monster shut, as if rocking a baby to sleep. A 30-foot sea-baby.

So if you're bored tonight, all slept out and feeling frisky, it might be a good chance to poncho up and head out on the river. Sit back, rock some lullabies from your boat, and see if you can't happen upon evidence of a sleeping giant catching some sweet Springtime Z's far below, a seabeast dreaming it can fly.

God Save the Queen!

So now they're trying to shut down the Delta Queen... The authorities will tell you the structure is unsound, the boat unfit for rivertravel. Do not pay mind to these idle warnings. They are breeding paranoia in the streets these days, all the better to keep people and vessels off the river. For fear of seamonsters, for fear of the unknown. They will not be happy until the river is barren and completely untraversed, such that any human attempting to venture out stirs the great waters and upsets the gigantic catfish to the point of providing an easy meal. Fear of being eaten by the mystery of your own world - Ha! This is not our game. These are not our times. Like the Delta Queen, we must explore.

We will all keep our own ships afloat and together we will discover the secrets of the deeps.

Body Pulled From Ohio River

According to the Cincinnati Enquirer, a body was found in the Ohio River on Sunday night. Police reported that the discovery was made after 10 p.m. about a mile west of the Brent Spence Bridge. Kentucky and Ohio officials are at the scene, trying to determine what happened. The body has not been identified.

You may be asking, "Why is this noteworthy?" "Just another freak being sent home... probably some lowlife that messed up on Vine Street one too many times." Well, we all know that bodies are sacrificed to the bosom of the Ohio very frequently. With hobo fishing accidents, fleeing Louisville mobsters dumping bullet-riddled bodies off the Brent Spence out of moving vehicles, and the ancient ritual of the homeless community wading out into the river to concede their fallen brethren to the waters, our best estimate is that a few dozen human bodies are surrendered to the Ohio River daily. But how many bodies are recovered by the authorities?

In the ocean dead fish are eaten by other fish and sinking ships are eaten by whales, in the South Pole dead penguins are eaten by walruses, in the outback dead koalas are eaten by kangaroos, in Las Vegas memories are eaten by the next morning's curbside trash receptacle, and in the Ohio River dead humans are eaten by 30-foot catfish. This is Nature's design. This is the Circle of Life. When a body is recovered out of the Ohio River something has gone awry. A flaw in the design. A gap in the circle. Something's not right here. The seabeast let one get away...

Is this a one-time anomaly or the beginning of a trend? Perhaps our mission now becomes a bit more dire as we learn that our noble subject's reign of glory may be staggering, or maybe even nearing an end...

Stay alert for ongoing developments.

April Marches On...

Does anyone else feel like this whole month was just one big April Fool's joke that's over way too fast?

Mind the Chirping

As you may know, this summer marks the return of the Brood XIV cicadas to the Ohio River Valley. http://news.cincinnati.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=2008804280320

The highest concentration of the bugs will be east of downtown, and there will certainly be a significant effect on the gigantic catfish population in that vicinity. The cicadas are of course a tasty treat, and the overall interaction of the local food chain will be turned upside down by their presence. Medium sized fish will be swarming to the surface of the river to feed on water-skimming and dead floating cicadas. As they do so, they will be actively evading the riverbed habitat of the 30-foot catfish. Meanwhile, the cicadas will become a temporary mainstay of the homeless diet, allowing them no need to fish the Ohio in the summertime heat. With less homeless fishing the banks, less dead homeless will sink to the river floor. The combination of these factors, along with the warm climate, make it likely that the lazy gigantic catfish will lay dormant throughout much of this summer. They will be unlikely to attack, swim freely, or leave the murky depths of the river bottom.

At the same time, these elements will make it much easier for us to potentially sneak up on the mythical creatures within their environs without facing a high risk of attack. This fact, amidst the aforementioned summertime heat, provides the perfect conditions for expeditions!

Details of Summer 2008 Catfish Hunting Expeditions are hereby forthcoming... Our staff is currently compiling a list of equipment and supplies that will be required before voyages can be planned in detail.

Happy Earth Day!

Let's take a moment aside from our quest to step back and simply bask in the beauty of our planet and the mysteries still lying therein. Infinite treasures are all around us and yet to be uncovered. It is in this spirit of universal appreciation that we beckon the 30-foot catfish to emerge and join us...

"Mist in the grass and sleep with the spirits
Release the pain, it won't do you any good
Suck in the pollen and breathe with the raccoons
Don't hide from your own secrets
You're made of river driftwood
So pull in all your anchors
They're waiting for you downstream
We're waiting for you downstream."

-Craig Minowa

We Salute the Sacrifices of our Contributors

http://news.nky.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/AB/20080421/NEWS0103/304210032

This gentleman has set a sterling example by risking life, limb and criminal record to exploit the Harang-stimulated circumstances after the Reds game yesterday. He was no doubt using this wager as a cover to explore the river for signs of 30-foot catfish while conditions were right for them to attack. By joining the growth charts in the water he too put his own body on the line in the quest for the truth, attempting to see the unseen and explain untold mysteries. We salute you, sir. This website would hereby like to offer to match the $3 bond contribution offered by the hero's friends.

Cajun Catfish Festival

http://www.conroecajuncatfishfestival.com/

I know this may be neither here nor there as far as the Ohio goes, but festival dates have been released with information at the website above if anyone's interested. Some acquaintances of mine went 2 years ago and spoke highly of it.

Harang Provides Stimulus

Another golden opportunity has presented itself to our quest. This afternoon is Aaron Harang Growth Chart Day at the Reds game. The team has handed out 10,000 growth charts with which children and small fish can measure their height/length against the 6'7" pitcher. It is to be assumed that dozens of these charts will be discarded into the Ohio River after the game. As the charts drift toward the river's bed, bottom-feeding catfish will be provided with a stimulus. Since the posters are nearly 7 feet long and resemble a transient human, it can be reasoned that our monster will be prone to attack and eat many of the growth charts. If anyone will be on the river this afternoon or evening, keep your eyes peeled for a rare chance to see the beast in action!

Opportunity Knocks (or Shakes)

This morning's earthquake could have provided the perfect opportunity to gain information on the gigantic catfish we seek. The tremors could be felt all throughout the Ohio River valley - the deeper underwater within the riverbed, the closer to the seismic source and the greater the vibrations. Surely this shockwave stirred the beasts in some manner. In fact, for a few minutes during and just after the quake the catfish were probably likely to attack. Was anyone out on the river just before dawn this morning? Did anyone see, hear or feel anything beyond the realm of the geological? I fear for the mortal souls of anyone in possession of relevant knowledge that is no longer able to reply to this, trapped within the belly of our monster.

1973. Summer. Late August. Humid. Real sticky like. Gnats eatin ya, mosquitoes eatin gnats while they're eatin ya, bats eatin mosquitoes, alligator gar leapin outta the river eatin bats, 8 feet high in the dark night air. Crew and I driftin down the Ohio in me trusty vessel Magic Swirlin. 8, 9 knots southwest of Ludlow, driftin further into the darkness. Of a sudden we feel the ship start to quiver a bit, then rumble, then shake. All the men hangin onto whatever’s nearby. A primordial growl. A rumble from the deep, as if the gates to Hell are openin up 60 feet below on the other side of the puddle and the whole river’s just a big whirlpool feedin us downward beyond the reach of salvation. The fear of doom, the acceptance of tragedy. As suddenly as it had started, it was over. Ship was still. Air was still. Water was still. Night was still. I’ll never forget hearin me mate Javy’s voice piercin through the stillness. “Where’s Jimmy?”

Thanks for the heads-up Bedaggered. To be blunt I'd like to run you off this website right now and never hear such a nugget of cautionary shank again. But unfortunately I think I like the cut of your jib...

Would you care to elaborate, though? From the tone of your warning I can tell that you know of what you speak. And from your willingness to contribute to this website I know that there is a river passion burning yet within you, a love of mystery and a belief in the conquest of the will of man over even the most supernatural curiosities within the world around us. Basically, I think we can use you.

Ay. I know the Ohio. That muddy whore and I go back close to three score. If it be information ye want I've got plenty of it to show. But if it be fame and fortune ye seek take a word of advice and be mindful of what ye wish for. And if it be the 30-foot catfish ye seek... well then ye'd best bite your tongue son. Such a seabeast birthed from deep within the bowels of hell would make a pleasant encounter for no man that walks this earth.

Ohio River Blue Catfish Population Fast Facts

The Ohio Division of Wildlife recently removed the blue catfish from the state endangered species list, therefore making it legal to catch and possess.

According to Division of Wildlife fisheries biologists, joint research conducted with the Kentucky Department of Fish & Wildlife Resources concluded that blue catfish populations in the Ohio River were substantial enough to warrant down listing the blue catfish from endangered to “species of special concern".

While these developments fail to even hint at the demographics of the gigantic 30-foot catfish we seek, they allow a climate in which wildlife officials would regard the potential capture of such a fishmonster with no ill sentiment.

At one time blue catfish were common in the Ohio River, but after construction of the locks and dams their numbers were reduced significantly. What mainstream biologists and conservationists often fail to examine is the impact of gigantic catfish on the population of the more common 40-100 pound blue catfish, which often doze off in the Ohio River mud bottoms and provide an easy supper for the 30-footer.

The slight increases observed in the blue catfish populations may indicate that predatory 25+-foot catfish are slowly declining in numbers and impact, making our noble search more time-sensitive than we had originally estimated. Or perhaps it just means that more blue catfish are letting themselves be captured by humans rather than submitting to the mortifying fate of becoming river-bottom food for a mythical beast.

Giant Catfish Kin

Perhaps the best information we can learn about the mysterious 30-foot catfish of the Ohio River comes from its primordial last of kin, the upriver Monongahela River catfish. While these catfish are smaller and much more agile than our subject, it stands to believe that it is from their lineage that the Ohio River catfish evolved. Imagine with me if you will, many epochs ago, perhaps when dinosaurs were still roaming the Earth, when a subsect of the Monongahela catfish population began expanding in size and menace to the extent that they were forced to break off from their kind and pursue deeper bottoms and wider channels downstream in the Ohio. As the more athletic of the blue catfish forged on to the warmer climes of the Mississippi River delta, the largest and most disgusting surely settled right around Cincinnati, in the murkiest nooks, where a sedentary lifestyle and foul diet allowed them to grow larger still as millions of years passed and they remained undetected, swelling to unfathomable proportions, fading from legend to myth...

But humanity has still witnessed subtle ties to the creatures, occasionally having chance to glimpse a peak inside the world of the gigantic Ohio River catfish through the irregular surfacing of their Monongahela ancestors:

In the late 1880s there was an attack near Morgantown. A coal miner and his wife - with their baby daughter - were fishing near the old bridge across to Westover and a train went by (the coal train from the Fairmont Field upriver headed for Pittsburgh). The pair turned to wave at the engineer, when they heard a piercing squeal. They turned back toward the river to see their baby, who had been wading in the river, go down screaming, pulled away into the river by some force beneath the surface. The father acted quickly and fearlessly and jumped into the river and grabbed the child by the tips of her little fingers just as she was about to disappear into the depths. He saved the child and reported that he had seen a fish on the other end of his gurgling daughter and identified it as a great catfish because the "whiskers" around its massive jaws were visible.

Even in those relatively calm and shallow West Virginia waters the pigmy kin of our subject often reach well in excess of 10 feet and 100 pounds. One of 157 pounds was caught in 1936 near Uffington, upriver from Morgantown, the year of the famous St. Patrick's Day flood. It is true, according to fishermen on the river, that the big cats are often seen coming to the surface, agitated, it seems, by vibrations from passing trains (which shake the banks frequently today as in decades past). This vibration goes into the water and alerts the catfish to the potential presence of locomotive hobos and boxcar children.

Know Thy Subject

Although we are not certain that the elusive 30-foot catfish we seek is of the species Ictalurus furcatus, the so-called blue catfish is definitely a leading candidate to reach excessive size and prehistoric majesty while remaining unseen, unheard and unfelt for many eons in the savage murky depths of the Ohio River basin near Cincinnati.

The blue catfish, Ictalurus furcatus, is one of the largest species of North American catfish. Blue catfish are distributed primarily in the Mississippi River drainage including the Missouri, Ohio, Tennessee, and Arkansas rivers. The current angling world record is 124 pounds and was caught by Tim Pruitt on May 22, 2005, in the Mississippi River.

Blue catfish are opportunistic predators and will eat any species of fish they can catch, along with crayfish, freshwater mussels, frogs, and other readily available aquatic food sources (some blue catfish have reportedly attacked scuba divers). Catching their prey becomes all the more easy if it is already wounded or dead, making the homeless population of particular appeal.

Due to their opportunistic nature, blue catfish will usually take advantage of readily accessible food in a variety of situations, which from the angler's perspective makes cutbaits, deadbaits, and even stinkbaits an excellent choice to target these fish. Blue cats will also respond well to livebaits, with live river homeless and bum usually a top choice followed by large vagrants, hobos, tramps, and riffraff. Blue catfish tend to favor deeper water in larger rivers and reservoirs, but will make sluggish feeding and spawning forays into relatively shallow water. These expeditions, sometimes covering dozens of nautical meters, can take up to five years. On average Ohio River blue catfish live between 190 and 235 years, although some have been known to live many centuries longer.

Have You Had an Encounter with a Gigantic Ohio River Catfish around Cincinnati?

Tell us your story! Even if no one else believes you, we will. We are specifically interested in the size of the freakish Cincinnati catfish you've encountered. All approximations of length and weight will be assumed factual. Any catfish over 25 feet in length is highly noteworthy. Other details to consider include color, smell, shape, deformities, smile and ferocity.

We also have reason to believe that these beasts (while sluggish, bottom dwelling, lazy and relatively immobile) are prone to occasionally attack humans in search of valuable nutrients not available in their usual Ohio River din. If you have survived such an attack this website is the forum to tell the world your tale!